Being a single father involves navigating two realities: the joy of raising children and the challenge of finding a partner to share that journey.

James, a 37-year-old police officer who prefers to remain anonymous, has spent the past three years balancing a demanding career with the responsibilities of raising his daughter.

"She's the sweetest person I've ever met," he says. "I became a single father when my daughter was almost one-year-old. Her mother and I separated, and from then on, I had to learn how to raise her while working full-time."

The couple had dated for about a year before moving in together after she became pregnant. Like many young couples, they hoped for a successful relationship, but life had other plans. James’ work schedule is unpredictable, making it difficult to plan his personal life.

"Being in the service means there are strict programmes and responsibilities. Sometimes you can be called in at any time. It can be difficult planning your personal life around that," he explains.

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Fortunately, his older sister, a married mother of three, has become a vital source of support. Whenever work takes him away, she steps in to help care for his daughter.

"My sister has been a blessing," he says. "She treats my child like one of her own. During the holidays, all the children spend time together, helping my daughter feel part of a larger family. I don't think she lacks anything."

Whenever possible, James ensures his daughter visits her mother in Nakuru, especially during the December holidays. Family support has always been important to him, as he understands the value of stepping up when circumstances change.

James’s mother became a single parent after his father died when he was just 13. Watching her raise him and his sister left a lasting impression.

"She worked hard to ensure we had what we needed. Looking back, I understand the sacrifices she made," he recalls.

These experiences shape how he approaches fatherhood and relationships today.

Single dad — One of the biggest surprises has been society's reaction to a single father raising children alone.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

"Before becoming a father, dating was simpler; it was just about the relationship. Now every decision affects my daughter," he says.

The transition to single parenthood has made him more cautious about who he allows into his life. Although he has tried dating since his separation in 2023, it hasn’t been easy. A previous relationship lasted five months before ending.

"The biggest challenge was time. She wanted more of my attention than I could realistically give. My time is divided between work and my daughter," he admits.

This experience taught him that dating as a single father comes with unique challenges.

"Some people don’t understand what being a parent requires. If I have free time, I want to spend it with my child. I can't imagine spending time away from her. My life revolves around her!"

However, he hasn’t given up on finding love.

"I don't want someone to replace my daughter's mother," he clarifies. "I’m looking for someone who can genuinely care for my child, guide her, and be supportive as part of a family."

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For James, parenting responsibilities shouldn't be forced onto anyone he dates. He believes these things should happen naturally.

"My child definitely influences who I choose to be with. If someone cannot accept my daughter, the relationship cannot work," he states, noting that some women hesitate when they learn he has a child.

"Some think there will be too much responsibility or drama, while others are open-minded. It depends on the person."

He also believes introducing a partner to children should be handled with care.

"You shouldn't rush. Children get attached quickly. Before introducing someone, you need to be sure the relationship has potential and that both parties understand what they are getting into."

Is there someone new in his life?

"I met a lovely lady recently, but the relationship is still in its early stages, and I don’t want to rush anything. Whatever happens in my personal life, my daughter will always come first," he shares.

Learning to love again

At 41, Phidel Wangila has raised three children—two boys aged nine and seven, and his three-year-old daughter—through heartbreak, failed relationships, and the everyday demands of parenthood.

After two marriages that ended in disappointment, he has found someone who he believes could bring stability to both his life and his children's lives.

"I still believe in love," he laughs. "Maybe that is my problem, or maybe it’s my strength. I love to love."

That optimism has survived experiences that might have made others hesitant about relationships.

In his first marriage, Phil and his ex-wife dated for two years before formalising their union. They had two boys during their marriage which lasted five years.

"We disagreed on many things, which I often overlooked. There were constant arguments, especially regarding her outings and drinking habits. It felt like we were fighting more than we were talking," he recalls.

Children from two different relationships

Eventually, they separated in 2021. At the time of the spilt, their sons were four and two.

"We tried communicating post-separation, but it wasn’t working. I realised we could not co-parent effectively."

Phil’s second relationship was unexpected. In 2023, he met another woman, dated for close to two years, and they had a daughter together. She later received an opportunity to work in Dubai as an au pair and chose to pursue it.

"I never imagined things would move that the marriage would end that quickly, but… well, life happens," he admits.

Unlike his first relationship, Phil maintains occasional communication with the mother of his daughter, primarily concerning their child.

When their daughter was preparing to join school, he reached out, hoping they could make decisions together.

"I felt she was reluctant to engage," he recalls. "After that, I decided to take full responsibility."

He employs a nanny to help care for the children when he is away.

Single dad — One of the biggest fears of many single fathers is whether a new partner will genuinely love and care for their children.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

"I attend school meetings. I celebrate birthdays. I want my children to know I’m present," he states.

One of the biggest surprises has been society's reaction to a single father raising children alone.

"Some women dismiss me when they learn I have three children from two different relationships. Others assume I must be the problem because both marriages failed."

At one point, parents at his children's school questioned whether he should hold a leadership position because he was unmarried.

"The issue wasn’t my ability to contribute. Some people simply couldn’t understand why they had never seen a mother figure around my children."

This experience hurt but also reinforced his determination to move forward.

"I have learned that people will always have opinions. What matters is whether your children are loved and cared for," he says.

Many encounters have left him disappointed.

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"Some people were not genuine," he admits. "Others seemed selfish. Sometimes I felt they wanted a relationship with me but not necessarily with my children."

Then he reconnected with a long-time friend from university. Because they already knew each other, there was little pressure to impress or pretend.

"It wasn’t difficult to reconnect because we had known each other for years. There was already trust," he says.

"I wanted to be sure we were serious before involving my children. I didn’t want to create confusion," he explains. "There was no resistance; they were curious at first, but they became comfortable around her over time."

What surprised him most was how naturally the relationship evolved.

"There was never a specific day when I thought, 'Now she is ready to become a parent.' It happened through her actions. She allowed the children to connect with her naturally," he adds.

Now, with plans for their 'Vukwii,' a Luhya dowry ceremony scheduled for August, Phil is preparing to give marriage another chance. However, he shares a word of caution with other single dads looking for love,

"Heal first. Be honest about your situation. Just because one chapter ended badly doesn’t mean the whole story is over."

Expert’s take:

Barnabas Achoki, a marriage and relationship coach, says it depends on individual circumstances.

"Some men reach a point where they tire of relationships that never progress to marriage. When they meet someone new, especially if they have children, they consider not just companionship but also who can help nurture their children," he explains.

"A single father who lives with his children is often very careful about who he brings into his life," he adds.

However, he cautions against focusing solely on finding a mother figure.

"You should not just be looking for a mother figure for your children. You also have your own needs as a person. If you do not love the person or feel romantically connected, you may end up forcing yourself into a relationship."

According to him, a single father should first assess whether the person is a suitable romantic partner and then consider her capability to play a nurturing role in the children's lives.

Barnabas notes that many single fathers are in their late 30s or 40s, a stage of life marked by pressure from family, society, and themselves.

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"There is pressure to settle down. Some men feel that repeated failed relationships make them appear unsuccessful, so they want to find stability and move forward. For some, settling down becomes both a personal goal and a sign of achievement."

Still, he asserts that single fathers tend to be more cautious when entering new relationships.

"Having children means they were once in a relationship that did not work. Some may not have fully healed from what caused the breakup, while others may lack the confidence to start over."

Past experiences can easily spill into new relationships. Current relationships may suffer due to past ones. For example, a man who was previously cheated on may become suspicious of a new partner, even when she has done nothing wrong.

"He may constantly wonder when she will cheat, check her phone, or become overly suspicious. In the process, the new partner may feel untrusted."

So, is it fair to expect a new partner to replace a child's mother?

"The relationship should start as a romantic one. As it develops, the man can explain that he has children and discuss whether the woman is willing to take on a motherly role," he says.

Barnabas emphasises that the woman should not be pressured into replacing the biological mother.

Single dad — A single father who lives with his children is often very careful about who he brings into his life.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

"She is not their mother; she is helping to mother them. Let children call her whatever name they are comfortable with. The father's role is to help the relationship develop naturally."

According to Barnabas, one of the biggest fears expressed by many single fathers during counselling sessions is whether a new partner will genuinely love and care for their children.

"That concern lingers in the back of their minds. They are very cautious," he adds.

He points out that single fatherhood is still relatively new in many African societies.

"Traditionally, children often remained with their mothers after separation. When people spoke about single parenting, they usually meant single mothers."

He argues that society should acknowledge fathers who take responsibility for raising their children and offer support where possible.

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Barnabas cautions against introducing a new partner too quickly, especially after a divorce or the death of a spouse.

He advises fathers to start conversations with their children.

"You can ask them questions and listen to their feelings. Sometimes children will express their readiness for a mother figure."

He also recommends observing how children react during casual interactions.

"You can occasionally spend time together and observe the children's response. Younger children adapt more easily than teenagers and young adults," he suggests, adding that with teenagers, it’s often necessary to sit them down and explain the situation.

Lastly, Barnabas advices men to prioritise healing before pursuing another relationship.

"Whether it is death, divorce, or a relationship that simply didn’t work out, there is emotional pain involved. It’s important to go through a healing process and, where possible, counselling before moving on."

"If the other parent has remarried, it can sometimes make things easier because they also have a spouse," he adds.

In some situations, a discussion involving all parties may be necessary to avoid confusion and ensure everyone is working towards the same goal.

"Ultimately, the focus should be on what is best for the children."

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