Hi Zulu,

There have been many reports about femicide lately. Are there signs people should look out for to save themselves from becoming victims?

Sure. Here are the red flags of a partner who might one day kill you. One, obsessive control, where they do not see you as a person but as something they possess. They believe you should get permission from them to do everything. They demand total obedience and discipline. They monitor your calls and your connections. They vet your friends and blatantly scrutinise your associations like a parent monitoring a deviant child. You feel belittled but confuse it with normal jealousy from someone who loves you. They show extreme jealousy even when there is no cause and use statements like, “If I cannot have you, no one will.”

Secondly, they display aggressive tendencies or abuse you physically. Do not allow the clan to take you back to a physically violent person. Even one incident is far too many. That contempt will continue in other forms, and you do not know when it will become a fatal incident. Note that abusive people usually develop a pathology that worsens with time. They have narcissistic tendencies, are controlling and paranoid. People often get worse with age as the habits they picked earlier in life deepen, and their poor choices begin to mature into consequences. Someone who never planned their retirement, for example, may become more toxic as the years draw near and they become more financially vulnerable.

Sexual violence — Femicide rarely starts with murder. Many times, it begins with control, intimidation, isolation, humiliation, and repeated violations of a person's dignity.

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Third, intense fear of abandonment, but without the effort to get better and preserve the relationship. They treat you poorly, but when you decide to leave, they fly into a rage or threaten serious harm to themselves or you. Most fatal incidents happen when the victim is about to leave or has just left. You must always leave stealthily and stay out of reach if your partner has shown these dangerous signs.

Fourth, they isolate you from everyone. They have a problem with your friends, your family, and your colleagues at work. They accuse you of having affairs, or they say you're being influenced negatively. They monitor your communications and text your phone contacts to chase them away. They use triangulation, bribes, or create a narrative that you are mentally unstable to make people avoid you. They mask it as protecting your shared love, and people may even say their behaviour is coming from love. The true motive, however, is to separate you from the voices of reason and anyone who might awaken you to what is happening.

Fifth, they have psychotic rage. When they get angry, they become unrecognisable. They lose themselves and do things they either regret later or deny doing altogether. It is during these fits of rage that they can inflict massive bodily harm or commit homicide. If your body freezes when tensions rise, it is because your nervous system knows you're not safe around that person, and no excuse will erase that fact. They break things or become suicidal when upset. Or they threaten real violence, like setting the house on fire or driving the car into objects on the road. If they are the passenger, they may pull the handbrake, grab the steering wheel, or open the door when the car is in motion.

Read: Kenya’s femicide crisis: Most women killed by husbands, boyfriends

They also sabotage your growth, your job, and your autonomy. The goal is to control you completely and remove any external support so you are completely dependent on them. In short, people do not become extremely aggressive in a day. There is always a progression you can detect early and save yourself from. What if you're financially dependent on the abuser, since we know they sometimes manipulate situations to make sure they call all the shots? You should think of an escape plan. Either get some income first or get a holding place from where you can plan ahead. If getting an income will alarm them and increase the risk to your life, escape first and stay with someone for a while.

Femicide rarely starts with murder. Many times, it begins with control, intimidation, isolation, humiliation, and repeated violations of a person's dignity. Many victims are the toxic empathisers who think they can rescue and change anyone. Many signs are dismissed as love, passion, protectiveness, or temporary anger until the danger has escalated beyond what anyone imagined. They keep telling you I will kill you, but you ignore them. These subtle signs are actually red flags.

Possessiveness doesn't necessarily mean they love you so much. Love can be territorial, but when one becomes possessive as if you're their property, you should be cautious and see it for what it can become – a pathway to violence. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling afraid, trapped, monitored, silenced, or cut off from your support system, do not ignore what your instincts are telling you. Love should make you feel safe, respected, and free, not controlled and caged.

What if you're already too emotionally overwhelmed to plan or take any steps? Abusive people can push you to mental and emotional exhaustion. Start with psychological first aid. You can take counselling sessions online if need be. One can reach out online to many organisations. The point is to act promptly and value your safety above all else.

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