Hi Zulu, I am a 29-year-old single mother with a four-year-old daughter, and I find it difficult to meet a genuine man. Most men who approach me expect me to lower my standards because I already have a child. Is it still possible for a single mother to find a godly husband, and how can I tell if a man truly wants marriage or is just taking advantage of my situation?

If you are dating when you already have a child, the first men to accept you as you are will most likely be the irresponsible and dishonest type because they are looking for codependency rather than a genuine connection. They are hoping for easy entry, minimal expectations, and unquestioning tolerance. For example, they rarely agree to clean, celibate dating because sex is part of the easy benefits they are hoping for.

Sometimes, they even say it bluntly: "You gave to others. Why deny me?" Or they insinuate that they are doing you a favour by accepting you and your child. It is only fair, they suggest, that you return the favour by agreeing to everything they want. Many single mothers enter new relationships already afraid that they'll be judged. They'll be seen as less than. Like they already dropped the ball and they need to prove that they're deserving to be chosen.

That emotional weight often overshadows her discernment, making her mistake attention for commitment and simple kindness for character. Predatory men read this vulnerability and may intentionally move very fast, offering grand promises and pledging loyalty from day one. He hasn't made up his mind. He's merely managing her and capitalising on her vulnerability. Most women underestimate what it means to have a child before marriage until they find themselves in that situation.

The majority have children with people they believe they have a future with, the so-called serious relationships. The child finds her by surprise. The status of a single mother finds her by surprise. She believed she had found her life mate and so she lowered her guard. And then she's surprised to find that she's still single. Then she works on self-acceptance. She embraces motherhood and hopes that it's enough. The man who finds her when she's not denying or hiding her status should appreciate it.

And then she's shocked at what awaits her. People project biases on to her. They mock her principles and many even ask, 'If you're that serious about life and sex and everything, how did you end up in this situation? Come on. Forget those standards and come down. Give me unfettered access to your body and I may consider you for something serious.' This bias has discouraged many women into retreating from dating and focus on other areas of their lives. In truth, the men who judge her this way are driven by a need for control, not connection. They want to break her down further. They want to affect the woman's life irreversibly. They want to plant their mark on her life.

It is a sick way to feel powerful, but some people think like that. Other men will rush to date such a woman, hoping she is still wounded and easy to lure, or that she is struggling financially so they can buy access through financial assistance. This is a very common trend with married men. Society often shames single mothers by suggesting that they "belong" to another man—the baby's father. If a woman does not work on healing and outgrowing these limiting labels, she may begin to define herself by them.

There is only one way to redeem yourself if you find yourself in this situation: a complete turnaround regarding premarital sex and an overall upgrade of your life. The men who can marry you in earnest will not rush to promise marriage in the first conversation. Neither will they assume that you are in need of rescue. Rather, they will take the time to learn about you and how you live. They do not downplay the commitment of parenting alone or what will be required of them if they marry you.

Growth is the ultimate comeback after having a child, especially if you still desire marriage. Evolve in the way you show up in the world. Heal emotionally and find your joy again. Develop a plan for personal growth and for building a rich life for yourself and your child. If you are co-parenting, establish very clear boundaries so that it is impossible for others to perceive you as still being in a relationship with your child's father. Most importantly, date with intention rather than simply waiting. Mingle purposefully. Curate your social media to attract and associate with serious men.

Avoid unnecessary isolation through jobs that send you to remote locations or schedules that leave you with no opportunity to build meaningful relationships.

Lastly, upgrade your wardrobe. A sense of class is widely underrated. Dress with elegance and precision. This step alone may bring you a continuous stream of suitors, giving you more opportunities to meet a compatible partner. Only remember to maintain strict sexual boundaries, lest you be perceived as promiscuous. That is one misconception that is often levelled against single mothers, and once you open the door for one man, word can spread. Your love life has not ended just because you became a parent before marriage. What matters is not your past but the standards you choose from this day forward.

Remember that marriage is not the prize; becoming the best version of yourself is. When you become whole, you stop chasing validation and start attracting people who value character and integrity. Never allow loneliness to lower your standards or your boundaries. Protect your reputation as though everything else depends on it, because it does.

Benjamin Zulu is a life coach and counseling psychologist

benjaminzuluglobal@gmail.com